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Denial serves a very useful purpose; when you are dying, for instance, denial can give you the time and space you need to come to acceptance of it. Denial, then, is quite useful, but only if it needs to acceptance. And when you are preparing for death, acceptance can lead to action. Instead of simply waiting to die, you are given the opportunity to settle unfinished business or ?get your affairs in order,? as they say. If we use this time well, we can resolve personal and interpersonal issues that may have been following us for years. This is a gift we can give our loved ones, but also one that we give ourselves.
What does ?unfinished business? mean to you? Many people think first of practical matters. What will happen to my family?s finances after I am gone? What will happen to my home? Are my medical expenses paid? Are my wishes for medical care going to be respected? How do I want my remains laid to rest? Taking care of these legal, medical, and financial matters is often an initial priority.
This is important because it allows you to take peace in knowing that your affairs are settled and that your family will be taken care of. If you are not in a position to take care of your family financially, you can still take care of details like allocating your possessions or leaving keepsakes. There are actually checklists online that can help you take on this challenge methodically. A great book to consider is You Only Die Once, by Margie Jenkins, which guides you through final preparations, such as drawing up wills, organizing vital papers, and living ?bodaciously? in your remaining time.
Taking care of practical details is important for several reasons: chief of which is that it can help relieve anxiety about what will happen after you are gone, and it can free your mind to deal with personal and interpersonal business. While having the time to contemplate your coming death is sometimes a dubious gift, it can help you achieve a state of peace and calm if you are able to confront and deal with unfinished personal business. It also gives a measure of peace to loved ones you will be leaving behind.
You may have unfinished business with a loved one that involves hurt, regret, anger, or guilt. If so, talking, or making the effort to extend that branch, can be healing for all parties. All you have control over is your actions; you can try to call or write, and then it is up to them to react as they will. It may result in a healed relationship and one that can be renewed in your last days of life, or it may not. In either case, though, you can achieve peace knowing you have done your sincere best to reach out, especially if you are able to forgive yourself and allow yourself to move forward.
As we deal with these emotional issues, we are also dealing with health issues. If you need help in reaching out to others, ask. A friend, family member, clergymen, hospice worker, or nurse may be able to help you. It is also important to remember there are so many ways to communicate now that you can do even from a bed or hospital room. If you cannot speak directly, call, email, Skype, or leave a letter or video or audiotape to say ?I miss you,? ?I forgive you,? ?I love you,? or ?I?m sorry.?
Unfinished business doesn?t have to have a negative connotation either. You may, for instance, feel like it is very important to tell your children how much you love them. You may want to tell your partner or spouse what he/she means to you. You may simply want to reminisce, talk about treasured memories, or pass on a piece of your own story that you want to live on after you. All of this can help you achieve a sense of peace.
What if we have unresolved personal issues with someone who has died? We may be feeling guilt, regret, anger, or sadness. We may feel unready to die because we never got the chance to address these issues while the other person was alive. If you cannot ?resolve? an issue directly, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and talk about it with someone you trust. Often, we have to forgive ourselves and give ourselves permission to move on. It may be a comfort to remember that because you are making the effort to resolve your own business, you will not leave hurt like that behind you.
Hospice has a number of resources to help people and their loved ones prepare for death. According to one of their publications, ?The spirit of the dying person begins the final process of release from the body, its immediate environment, and all attachments.? When we can deal with unfinished business, we help our spirits free themselves of burden. In place of this burden, we can focus on love, peace, and comfort.
Looking to find an excellent provider for therapy San Francisco, then look no more. Dr. Seth is a renowned analytical psychologist who practices classical Jungian analysis to psychoanalytically-oriented psychotherapy.
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